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Outside the warehouse I can hear a police siren. We are sitting in darkness, illuminated only by the flickering glow of a 24-inch tv set, and thoroughly engrossed in the special, Lance Burton, Master Magician: The Encounter. Golem is hogging the nachos and cheese dip. Columbine and I are left to share a bowl of popcorn. Lance has just set a kid's tennis shoe on fire. "J.R. wants to go to Florida with his buddies for Spring Break," the girl says. Columbine's boyfriend has no relevance to the Lance Burton special, and I am immediately suspicious. "Lance is such a dream," the girl continues. "And so is his new theater. I'd like to see it before I'm an old lady." Golem chokes on a nacho chip. He knows I can't take the kid to Las Vegas without taking him. He's watched Showgirls so many times that the video rental store gives him a price break, and I cringe at the prospect of his being in the town for real. I begin my usual speech about how we can't even afford backup tapes, but suddenly it's a week later and we're in the dark again, in the Tropicana's Tiffany Theatre, and Tom Mullica is asking if anyone knows a joke. The funniest joke wins a set of his new videos. Incredibly, he asks me if I know one. Just as I am about to regale about a thousand of the finest magicians on the planet and walk off with the videos, a set of 19-year-old nails digs into my wrist. Columbine hates my jokes. I keep my mouth shut, and a girl at the table next to me cracks everyone up with a joke about oral sex. Mullica is lucky he didn't ask Golem for a joke. This is just another way of saying that I know my limitations. It is a pretty funny joke, however, and this installment of "Stirring the Tana Leaves" will close with it. And Tom -- you can send the videos to the address in the Little Egypt Card Tricks ad. Thanks in advance.

Because of this magazine, I seldom get to perform anymore, and almost never perform in Las Vegas. Thanks to an introduction by a friend, I did happen to present a brief program of impromptu card tricks for the regulars at Michael's Pub, a most friendly little spot. If you find yourself in Las Vegas and are thirsty and want to get off the beaten path, you'll have a nice time at Michael's. They may even tolerate your card tricks. When I was doing "Everywhere and Nowhere Goes Hollywood" from these pages, a young man at Michael's chose Claudette Colbert, from It Happened One Night, as the celebrity he would most like to spend some time with. His fantasy reminded me of one of my own favorite actresses, Barbara Stanwyck in The Lady Eve, with Henry Fonda. Charles Coburn and Barbara play a father-daughter card shark team that works the cruise liners, and Fonda is the rich patsy. In one scene in which Barbara is snuggling up to Fonda (who had shown her a simple color change), she describes her ideal man: ". . . he won't smoke greasy cigars or use grease on his hair and, oh yes, he won't do card tricks. Oh, it's not that I mind your doing card tricks, Hopsy, it's just that you naturally wouldn't want your ideal to do card tricks." Food for thought? In another scene, Coburn sits on the edge of Barbara's bed and begins dealing cards. "What are you dealing?" she says. "Fifths." "Like heck you're dealing fifths." "Want to bet?" "Do it again." He does, with the four aces face down on top. "Now let me see the aces." They are still on top. "Now let me see them." Coburn deals, and the aces are still in place. "I don't believe it," she says. "You don't really need it," he confides. "It's just virtuosity." But sometimes you do need it, and it was a kick to see Lennart Green using this ploy so effortlessly in Las Vegas. See the DMS writeup for details.

During the GeMiNi panel discussion, we were asked to name our favorite magic trick. Although my mind went blank at that moment, the answer I should have provided is that I have always wanted to be the understudy for Lance Burton's dual levitation, especially the way he used to do it in the early days at the Hacienda. I'd trade in all my card tricks for a few moments in the air in that illusion. There was a car crash. Pete Biro, Karrell Fox, and Jay Marshall were driving back from the Cheetah Club. Everyone was killed. They regained consciousness on an elevator, heading down. The elevator stopped at some infernally deep level, and the doors opened. There they beheld the ugliest woman any of them had ever seen. A voice said, "Biro, you've lived a life of waste and sin. Your punishment is to spend eternity with this creature." Biro exited, and the elevator continued on down with Karrell and Jay. It stopped again, the doors opened, and there stood another woman, twice as ugly as the first, breath like a yak. A voice said, "Karrell, you've lived a life of waste and sin. Your punishment is to spend eternity with this creature." Jay went on alone. The elevator stopped, the doors opened, and there stood a vision: Melinda, First Lady of Magic, scantily attired as she used to be in her opening number at the Lady Luck. A tear came to Jay's eye. And a voice said, "Melinda, you've lived a life of waste and sin. Your punishment is to spend eternity with this creature."